


Not The Kentuncky Derby

by definitely_not_samoa



Series: Derby Days [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Roller Derby, Gen, Humanstuck, Physical Disability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-01
Updated: 2014-07-01
Packaged: 2018-02-05 17:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1825804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/definitely_not_samoa/pseuds/definitely_not_samoa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not yet time for the next derby jam, but all the kids want to break out their skates on the track. Some unofficial races go down at the 2 Moons Skate Club.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not The Kentuncky Derby

   "All names in the helmet?" A grunt rang from the first rows of the bleachers, varying in meaning from 'yes' to 'you already know the fucking answer', where every member from any team of the 2 Moons Skate Club sat. The next game, or jam, was two Saturdays away. The Prospit teams played home, and the Derse teams were going to the Green Sun Indoor Rink a few towns over for their games.  Sure, they had scheduled practices, but everyone wanted if not needed more time on the track.

   A full out unscheduled jam, however, was out of the question. None of the building managers could make it. The Mayor was on a seniors retreat, and Kanaya was out of town, so nobody was there incase of a real injury. But low key tag team races were a different story. Low key meaning 'lock up when you're done, you're the only ones allowed inside, if I find out there was a party at the rink I will castrate each and every one of you'. Verbatim via Mr. Slick. So Tavros got permission, Rufioh sent a mass text, and thirty minutes later everyone was sitting in the first rows of the bleachers, waiting to start. No uniforms, only guards and skates. John was smart and had bought his own since his first encounter with the club.

   "Before I pick teams, basic rule time.  First person on the team must do a full lap, then tag their partner, then their partner must do a full lap. First team to do so wins. N-."

   "What do we win!?" Terezi grinned at Tavros, awaiting his answer.

   "The satisfaction from being able to beat your peers," he answered fast and sarcastically.

   "Boo," she yelled.

   Tavros rolled his eyes, obviously annoyed but also racking his brain. He looked her straight in the eyes from where he was in the center of the track. "Terezi, if your team personally wins, I'll give you coins for the vending machines."

   "I'll take it!"

   "As I was saying," he started again," no large amounts of violence. By that I mean, you can elbow and push, but no stabbing other people in the eye." Tavros more or less glared at Vriska, who looked slightly taken back, when he said that. "I'm still ref and I'll still suspend you, basically meaning your two person team wouldn't be able to compete. Now for the fun part: teams!" Tavros turned his chair around to where he had dragged the whiteboard the Mayor usually wrote on to the middle of the ring. "Age doesn't matter, but if you're a Prospit team member you will be paired with another Prospit member." Tavros wrote the numbers one through twelve on a whiteboard with enough space between each to write two names. He plunged a hand into the helmet and drew out two names. "Team one: Dirk and Dave Strider."

   "Fuck yeah," Dave celebrated. Him and his brother high fived.

   "Team two," Tavros continued, " Jake English and Jade Harley." The two looked at each others, and Jade flashed two thumbs up. "Team three: Aradia Megido and Feferi Peixes." These two looked at each other, but also giggled, excited. "Team four: Kankri Vantas and Kurloz Makara." A muffled laugh ran through the first rows of bleachers. A voice quietly laughed as it said," Ah, the irony."

   "Team five: Damara Megido and Cronus Ampora." The pair smirked at each other before turning back to face the board. "Team six: Eridan Ampora and Roxy Lalonde." These two didn't look at each other but from both facial expressions you could tell what the other thought. Roxy's soft smile and bright eyes spoke for her, saying 'okay, that's different, that's fun!', whereas Eridan's smug smile said that 'it doesn't matter who I got paired with, my team would've won anyway, this just makes it easier'.

   "Team seven: Rufioh Nitram and Gamzee Makara." It seemed now everyone had an opinion to share.

   "You're fucking kidding, right?"

   "Bangarang!"

   "Two jammers? That's not fair!"

   "Sweet, motherfucker!"

   "Redraw!"

   "No redraws," Tavros yelled over his shoulder. "Team eight: Porrim Maryam and Terezi Pyrope." Both nodded, Terezi more excitedly, seeing as a senior partner would probably help her chances of winning a buck seventy-five, in her eyes. "Team Nine: Meenah Peixes and Nepeta Leijon." Nepeta clapped happily, and Meenah followed her lead but not as fast and not as excited. "Team ten: Meulin Leijon and Rose Lalonde." Kurloz nudged Meulin and pointed down to Rose, who signed 'hello' and 'us', more or less the extent of her sign language vocabulary. "Team eleven: Jane Crocker and Latula Pyrope." Tavros scribbled down the names.

   "Rad," Latula exclaimed.

   "Quite," Jane added happily.

   "Team twelve: John Egbert and Karkat Vantas."

   "Nope, fuck that. I want someone more experienced," Karkat shouted out to Tavros, completely ignoring the fact John was sitting directly in front of him hearing everything.

   "No redraws," he repeated. Tavros didn't even bother to pick the last four names and went straight to writing them down. "Team thirteen: Vriska Serket," Tavros spoke slowly as he wrote out each letter, " and Aranea Serket. Team fourteen: Horuss Zahhak and Equius Zahhak."

   "Redraw," The Serket sisters spoke in unison. Well, more like Vriska demanded and shouted and Aranea pleaded.

   "No redraws! All other teams are picked and neither of you can be paired with a Zahhak," Tavros explained as he flipped the white board. He started writing pairs of numbers, seemingly at random on the board. "First race," he turned to everyone," teams two and five." Everybody halfheartedly clapped as both teams made their way to the track. "Starting member to the pivot line." Jake lined up and Cronus followed suit. "Once starting player passes rink entrance second player is to line up at pivot line as well. For the second player to start they must be tagged, hand on hand contact. Once the non-starting team member has passed rink entrance the starting member must exit. First non-starting member  back to pivot line wins. Are the rules understood?"

  "Yes sir!"

   "Yeah chief."

   "Does everyone else understand the rules?" Yesses and thumbs up radiated from the bleachers. "Alright then. When I say 'go' you're both off. Three...Two... One...Go!" Tavros mimicked waving a flag, and Jake and Cronus skated as fast as each possibly could. They flew past the rink entrance in under a second, and both girls scrambled to get set up on the breaker line. Jade got there first and held her arm outstretched behind her, waiting. Damara was right behind her and copied her form, but were Jade was patient and focused on the track in front of her Damara was looking back and waving her hand, trying to tell her partner to hurry his ass up. Jake and Cronus were neck and neck flying down the track and coming up on the home stretch. Jake tagged Jade a millisecond before Cronus reached Damara, but Jade was more than ready compared to her opponent and was around the first bend before Damara could get going. The Prospit members In the audience cheered. Damara was fast and gained on Jade in seconds. She was also way more aggressive than Cronus. When she was close enough she elbowed Jade and eventually knocked her in the shoulder when she passed. The Derse teams hooted and yelled. It was obvious Damara enjoyed the reaction from the peers and her whole formed softened up. This was Jade's window of opportunity.  With her last boost of energy she skated as fast as she could and knocked Damara's shoulder as she had done to Jade, and sent her flailing to the floor on her elbows. A foot from the pivot line. Jade crossed in under a second.

   Jake clapped her back as she rolled of the rink. "Terrific, Harley!"

   "You too!"

   The teens in the stands where in an uproar. Prospits all cheering and congratulating. All Derse not.

   "That's not fair, Damara was about to cross!"

   "They're cousins, that gives a family advantage!"

   "We have three sibling teams," Tavros reminded the wailing Derse members. Cronus skated over and helped pick up Damara.  "If Damara can't take what she dished out," Tavros stopped mid-sentence and shrugged. The Derse booed him.

   "It's stupid anyway," Cronus cut them off. "Not like this is the Kentucky Derby or some shit." Damara dusted off her skirt. "I'm goin' out to smoke," He told Tavros.

   "Do it out by the back doors." Cronus nodded. Damara said something quietly in Japanese and motioned towards Cronus, who was walking towards the locker rooms where the back doors were, before running off after him. Tavros pieced together she was probably having a smoke too.

   "I'm goin' tell Dad you stole his cigs," Eridan called from the bleachers.

   "No you ain't. Shut the fuck up," Cronus called back, taking a pack of Marlboros from the pocket of his leather jacket. He put a cigarette between his teeth and handed one to Damara.

   "Next," attention in the crowd went back to Tavros who was crossing the number five off the board, "teams four and six to the track please." Both teams made way to the entrance. Eridan and Kurloz made way to pivot line.

   "Look's like it's you and me against each other, Sweaters!" Roxy playfully jabbed Kankri in side.

 

   "How do I lose to a mute and Kankri!?" Tavros was trying with all his might to usher Eridan off the track.

   "You might want to ask yourself that," Tavros told him.

   "I blame you." Eridan pointed a long thin finger at Roxy who just shrugged.

   "Whatevs," Roxy told him. They took their seats back in the stands.

   "Next are teams nine and eleven," Tavros continued.

   "Rad," Latula chanted.

   "Let's go, cat girl," Meenah told Nepeta. Latula and Meenah lined up first while Jane and Nepeta waited by the entrance.

   "Three... Two... One... Go!" Both girls were off and immediately sticking elbows in each other's sides.

 

   "Basic rundown so far," Tavros read off the board to everybody in the bleachers.  Four races had gone down since Latula's and Meenah's, and since the numbers had all worked themselves out, and the night was still young, it seemed that the winners could face off against other winners. "Jake and Jade beat Damara and Cronus, meaning team two will move on. Kankri and Kurloz beat Eridan and Roxy, meaning team four will advance as well. Me-"

   "Which is bullshit, by the way," Eridan called to him. Cronus slapped the back of his head.

   Tavros cleared his throat. "Since Meenah and Nepeta beat Jane and Latula, team nine will advance. Aradia and Feferi beat Porrim and Terezi, meaning Terezi doesn't get any change-"

   "Boo," Terezi called from the stands.

   "-and team three will advance. Rufioh and Gamzee beat Meulin and Rose, so team seven will advance. The Serkets and Zahhaks tied, so neither will advance. Lastly, by some miracle, John and Karkat handed the Striders' asses to them, so team twelve will advance." Both John and Karkat were still in shock. "New opponents are...," everyone still in the tournament crossed their fingers, hoping to not be paired with Rufioh and Gamzee, "twelve and two, four and nine, and three and seven."

   "We're dead," Feferi whispered to Aradia.

   "I know, I know," she told Fef.

   "Four and nine, you're up first," Tavros called to them.

   Kurloz took his place first like last time. Meenah bent down to Nepeta's ear. "Cat girl, you're like a flying fish, fast as fuck. You speed past Kurloz and stay as far away as possible, 'cause he could knock you down with his pinky finger. Then make sure your arms stretched out so you can tag me first. Guaranteed  win. Got me?"

   "Got you," Nepeta told her meekly before taking her place next to Kurloz. He towered over her.

   Tavros counted down. "Three...Two...One...Go!" Kurloz glided gracefully down the track, and Nepeta quickly scrambled after him.

 

   "I...did not mean... to hurt her." The inside of 2 Moons Club had become quite a sight since Tavros yelled 'go'. For starters,  Nepeta followed Meenah's advice and stayed near the inside of the track so was going pretty fast, but so was Kurloz. Secondly, when Meenah and Kankri got on the track they got in the wrong places, meaning Meenah was standing where Kankri should be and vice versa. Both starting players reached their team mate at about the same time, but were coming up behind the wrong person. Kurloz had rolled behind and Meenah,  and realizing the mistake, stuck his arm out to reach Kankri's hand. This is where each problem had occurred. Problem one: Nepeta was right behind Kurloz and ran straight into his out stretched arm. Problem two: Kurloz had rolled straight onto Meenah's incredibly long braids, so when Meenah tried to skate forward to turn back around and figure out what happened her hair pulled her back and she was down on the floor next to Nepeta. Problem three: Equius was now hell bent on trying to kill Kurloz. Problem four: the only person who could understand Kurloz was his mute girlfriend, who wasn't exactly the best at talking, seeing as she usually isn't asked to do it.

   "I understand you didn't mean to," Tavros told the pair in front of him. "But I can't let this go unpunished, seeing as we have someone unconscious on the floor and someone else in a lot of pain." Kurloz started making movements with his hand, but Tavros waved it off. "Save it, I know what you're going to say, and I completely agree. Nepeta was an accident, and Meenah was the one at fault, yeah I get it, and I'll talk to her about her hair. Nonetheless, seeing as Nepeta didn't even get the chance to tag Meenah, I'm going to say you and Kankri are out of the brackets, okay?" Kurloz nodded. Tavros turned towards the stand. "See, Equius? We're all good, okay?" Equius looked up from the bleachers where Nepeta was lying down and he was holding damp paper towels to her forehead. If they'd called an ambulance there'd be questions about what a group of teens were doing in a skate rink alone, and it just wouldn't be good. Especially if Jack found out. So they didn't.

   Equius, ever stoic, help up a thumbs up. Tavros smiled and nodded. He turned towards Meenah.

   "And are you okay?" She held her head in her hands.

   "I need, like, a Tylenol, or Ibuprofen, or five of each." Tavros though for a minute.

   "Someone go check in the office," he ordered.

   "I got it," Aranea told him. She got off the bleachers and made her way to the office on the side of the building. Tavros motioned for Meulin and Kurloz to go sit back down.

   "Since the only teams left are both Prospits, Prospit teams win overall, but it's up to the two remaining teams. John, Karkat, do you want get beaten, or you contempt with going home?"

   "Home," they answered in unison.

   "Aw, where's the fun in that? It's not like I can roll over your hair, now can I?" To prove his point Rufioh reached over and ruffled Karkat's short hair. "You either, Johnny boy." He reached over and proceeded to ruffle John's hair also.

   "It's two against one," Karkat informed him.

   "I'm up," Gamzee said. Karkat shook his head and rolled his eyes hard enough to cut rock.

   "It's two against two," Tavros corrected.

   "These two want to go home," Karkat said, pointing between him and John.

   "Aww, don't be a baby Karkat. Just do it," Dave told him.  The rest of the people who were conscious joined in.

   "Yeah, just do it!"

   "C'mon!"

   "For all the underdogs!"

   "Destroy them, Rufioh!"

   "Hey, hey, quiet," Tavros started. He looked to the boys with a raised eyebrow.

   "Oh no you fucking don't! Put that down," Karkat told him, crossing his arms. Tavros looked to John, who swallowed.

   "I guess," he looked at all the expectant eyes around him," I'm in." Everyone cheered.

   "Three to one," Dave whooped.

   "Oh, fuck you Strider!" The four final skaters made their way to the rink. Rufioh, without even talking to Gamzee, went straight to the pivot.

   "Hold it," Karkat whispered to John. "You got us in this fucking mess, so you're up against the fucking big one. I'll pray he knocks you in the head hard enough to fix your giant fucking teeth."

   "Is there a reason you're talking to me?"

   "Not anymore. My hospital bills will be sent to you." Karkat half-waved half-flipped him off. John rolled up next to Rufioh.

   "Nitram, Egbert, ready?"

   "Yep."

   "Banarang!"

   "Three...Two...One...Go!" Rufioh was bigger, faster, and certainly more comfortable on skates than John, but John had gotten a second  head start and wasn't about to let up. Rufioh caught up fast , and together they skated past the entrance. Karkat wasted no time getting to breaker line and sticking his arm out. John bent his knees and moved his arms with every stride of skate, the illusion of wind whipping the bits of hair that stuck out from under his helmet. He stayed close to the inside. Rufioh was right behind him, and like Jake and Cronus, they were neck and neck. Rufioh was cocky, all laughs and eased up form. John thrust his arm and hand out, and when John's hand brushed Karkat's, Karkat was off. Unfortunately, Rufioh also elbowed John right when this happened, so Egbert was face down on the track in Karkat's dust, following Damara's lead.  Thank God for helmets. Gamzee glided as smoothly as his brother had, and Karkat  sped as fast as he could around each bend. Everyone in the stands was silent. Some were standing. They made the final turn at the same time and were coming in hot and fast. In a split decision, Karkat veered closer to Gamzee. Just close enough to where  Karkat's skate grazed Gamzee's. That sent him tripping. Almost everyone in the stands was on their feet. Karkat rushed before Gamzee could even think of getting up, and in seconds he was past the pivot line.

   Almost everybody, Prospit or Derse, senior or not, was cheering and shouting. Dave, off his skates and instead in red socks, ran down and practically tackled John. "God, he did it! My bro kicked jammer ass!" Dave probably thought he was lightly hitting John's back, but to John he was full on slapping his back. People rushed to John and Karkat and started jumping and cheering. Even Rufioh clapped John on his back and Gamzee was affectionately shaking Karkat's shoulders and muttering," Nice one, motherfucker."

   A wooden door opened. "Sorry it took awhile, but I did find," Aranea looked up and stopped midsentence. It appeared people were rioting. She quietly tip toed over to Meenah who was watching from the bench. "What happened?" She sat and handed the bottle to her friend.

   "The shrimpy ones won."

   "Really?" Aranea questioned astounded.

   "Really," Meenah confirmed.

   "Wow."

   "Yeah." Meenah swallowed a pill.

   "Hmm?" The girls looked behind them at the sound. "What's going on," Nepeta asked sleepily and confused.

   "Nothing," Equius spoke. "Lay back down, please."

   "Ok," Nepeta yawned.

   The celebration raged on beneath them. You would of thought that everyone down their won the lottery or some bet they won on a horse at the Kentucky Derby.

 

  

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and all the usual niceties! I also sincerely apologize for my lack of activity, but seeing as it's the summer you can bet there is gonna be a lot more real soon!


End file.
